Like most people, I have suffered from depression at one point in my life. It started around the age of 15 and I think I finally sorted myself out around the age of 18/19. I still have small bouts of it – mainly just very down days, but I definitely don’t ever feel as bad as I used to any more. Depression is a horrible illness and its something that only you yourself can sort out. You can except depression treatment in either a medication form or therapy form but you still need to put in a lot of work yourself to get over it. I refused to take medication and went to around ten different therapy sessions but in the end it was meeting Alex, moving out of my parents house and getting pregnant that helped me. I actually started living instead of just existing and I just didn’t have the time to sit around and think about things any more. When I lived at home, my mum cared for me and I spent around three solid months just in my bedroom. I had no need to come out. I’d quit college and my room had my TV and DVD player, my computer, stereo, drum kit, books and everything else I could ever want to do. I spent most days in bed until 12PM and up until 3-4AM talking to friends online. When I decided to go back to college in the September (2004), I had no confidence and I threw myself in the deep end by studying performing arts where the whole course was spend standing up in front of people either acting or doing presentations. When I met Alex, he gave me the confidence that I could be liked and I could have a relationship (I’d been since since 2001 when my last boyfriend was a school thing) and I started going to night clubs and pubs, meeting new people and finding myself.

Depression is horrible and some people can’t over come it but it is possible and if you really want to, I know you can find yourself again.

I’ve been thinking about getting pet insurance for both Daxter and Jak ever since I got them both. I worry about Daxter more than Jak as he’s a pedigree dog and also because of that fact that if he ever ran out of the front door and straight into a car, I don’t know how I’d be able to pay out for it. He’s ran out twice the whole time I’ve had him but thankfully he’s never gotten very far and also, I live on a quiet street so there’s only the mornings and between 5-6PM that cars are constantly coming in and out of the close. I have gotten an insurance quote for both of them a couple of years ago online which was followed up by a routine phone call but I never excepted it. Its not that it was expensive, its just that I could only just about afford what I was already paying out for and I said I would consider it again in the future when finances were better. I’m still in the same place I was at that time financially but I’m not sure whether I should put it off for much longer. If the worst were to happen, I need to be able to pay the veterinary fees which I wouldn’t be able to do outright. Its something I need to reconsider in the very near future.

I’ve never liked public speaking. In school I would be ‘ill’ on says where I knew we had to do presentations. I was painfully shy in school and wouldn’t even smile at anybody. I think it mainly had a lot to do with my weight because I was forty pounds heavier than I am now. That and the fact that I didn’t have a lot of friends. I got a little bit better at it when I got to college. I did a performing arts course and it really brought me out of myself and we were such a close group that no one would have laughed at you if you made a mistake and were nervous about it. Acting in front of a big group every day really helps you not care about people think about you. I really need to get back into acting again. I miss it a lot. Anyway, I can probably say that when I was at school it was a public speaking anxiety but now, I just don’t like it. I would do it if I had to and I would be as nervous as hell but I’d do it and I’d feel great once I’d finished. I think when you get older, you realise that things aren’t as bad as they seem and if people want to laugh at you and make you feel like crap, then they’re just totally not worth your time or effort.

Most people job hunt; right now, I’m currently career hunting. With Britain’s economy being pretty much in the bin and company after company handing out redundancies, I have decided that this isn’t the best time to be thinking about university. Its too costly and it doesn’t guarantee me a job when I leave even if I do have a degree behind me. Last night I was looking around online for jobs that would give me a life long career and I think I may have found something. Yes, photography still is my main goal in life but if it happens then great, but if not then at least I still have it as a hobby and I can always do the odd show and wedding to keep me active with it. I’m not going to mention what the job was because I need to do a lot of research on it yet and I’m also waiting for a reply about some information I asked for. I just don’t want to be stuck in a say, jobs in logistics because thats the kind of job that I’ll constantly be switching companies and I just want to settle down into one company and not have to move until I choose to. I’m hoping this works out but I might change my mind yet. Here’s to hoping.

Someone close to me thought they might be pregnant a few days ago. It turns out they’re not – which is a good thing for them – but it got me thinking a lot about whether I want to have another child. I’m happy with having another pregnancy and another baby but another child is a different matter. And yes there is a difference. A new baby is one of the best things you could ever have but its not just the baby you get. You get a whole new life to look after for 18+ years. I’m happy and settled with Meghan right now. She’s almost two years old. She’s getting to a point where she doesn’t need my care 24/7 because she can do things herself. We have a routine settled in and me and Meghan have a fantastic relationship. Do I want to disturb this to make way for another child? I said to Alex the other day that I’m at a point where if I get pregnant, then I’ll be happy but I’m not going to go out of my way to try and get pregnant. In other words I’m not going to come off the pill. If it happens it happens and if it doesn’t then it doesn’t. There’s also the fact that I have my career all planned out and if I decided to have another one, I would have to put my career off for another two/three years which I don’t think I’m prepared to do. Its a huge decision that I think right now, I’m not prepared to make for definite.

One thing I would love to do is be pregnant again though. I loved being pregnant and I really miss that feeling of having a baby inside you. I loved it in the later stages when I would lay in bed and she’d be moving about and rolling around inside of me to the point where my stomach would become funny shapes. One other good thing about being pregnant is looking at all the clothes. Buying baby clothes is the best part of pregnancy and gets you even more excited about new arrival. I love buying Meghan clothes but its not the same as buying new born baby clothes.

I guess I’ll just have to see what happens. Meghan was a surprise and she was the nicest surprise I’ve ever had so maybe I’ll just have to be surprised again.

I was watching a program last night on Channel 4 called Cotton Wool Kids and it was about how this generation of children are never allowed to do anything on their own, they’re not allowed to play outside and how we drum it into them that the world is an unsafe place. They said that in the 1970′s, eight out of ten kids aged eight walked to school on their own where as now, its two out of ten. There are so many dangers out there and yes, we will panic every time our child goes out of sight for two minutes but are we doing the best for them? If they have no experience of being independent and doing things on their own, how are they going to survive in the world?

I remember when I was about nine or ten, I used to go round to my friends house after school and the majority of the time I was there, we would play out in the street or go and climb over the school fence and play on the grounds. I was slightly aware of dangers but it never really crossed my mind that someone would actually take me. Emelye is almost nine years old but I would never dream of letting her out on her own like I was allowed to. I’d love to. I’d love to let her go to the park on her own to find some kids to play with but I feel sick when Alex lets her go to the shop on her own (its a two minute walk from our house).

There was one woman on the program who was even thinking of getting her daughter micro chipped with a GPS system so she would know where she was all the time. I think thats a bit extreme as that chip would be in her forever. I know we worry about our kids but we can’t keep tabs on them the whole time.

There was a man who would buy his 13 year old son ANYTHING he wanted so he wouldn’t mither to play out. He asked his dad on the way home from school if he could stay at his friends house for a week in the holidays so that they could go to the gym together. His dad didn’t even say no but he started asking him if he wanted an Xbox or a PSP or even an iPhone. His son said he didn’t want any of them. Do we really hate our kids going out that much that we will buy them anything, no matter what the cost to keep them indoors?

I was thinking the other day actually, how old would Meghan be before I let her walk to school on her own? The school is another two minutes walk from the shop so you can guess at how close it is to home. I was thinking maybe when she’s ten but I even felt that was too young. After watching this program I think I may let her walk to school on her own when she’s eight, maybe seven. Kids need that independence to grow and learn things. To make the mistakes that they need to make to become responsible adults.

Its a hard subject to make decisions about really. Everyone has their own ideas about it but I think the main problem we won’t let out kids out is not because we don’t trust our children, we don’t trust everyone else.