I had the best dream ever last night. It was quite random but it was still great. I married Sawyer from Lost. If that isn’t the best dream ever, I don’t know what is. Anyway, I was about 18 in the dream and me and Sawyer were together and we wanted to get married but we were worried what people would think about us with me being so young. It ended up us being around this table with this woman who was around 35 and… Harry Potter. I told you it was random. Anyway, this woman was trying to convince Sawyer to marry her instead because she was older and it wouldn’t look as bad. And I was supposed to marry Harry Potter. Not happening. I wasn’t having any of it and was getting quite upset. Sawyer did that beautiful frowny-sad-puppy dog eyes face because he didn’t know what to do. Anyway, in the end we thought “Fuck everyone, we’re getting married.” I’m suddenly in a wedding dress (an ugly one) and he picks me up and carries me into a lift…. and then Meghan woke up.

Dammit.

I nearly came downstairs at 5.40AM this morning because I had a horrible dream and didn’t want to go back to sleep. The dream itself wasn’t actually that horrible but my reaction to it wasn’t good. In my dream Meghan was screaming her head off (presumably in bed) and I couldn’t find her or get to her. She must have been crying for a while and I just couldn’t get to her. I woke up with a start and got really upset about it. I really didn’t want to go back to sleep after that but I made myself. I think also in the same dream, I had a cigarette and I actually thought I’d had one in real life and I was really upset with myself for smoking after six days of not. I hate dreams where I wake up upset.

Smoking wise, I’m doing fine. I don’t really want one at the moment. I’m not getting many cravings. I think that’s mainly down to the fact that I basically don’t want one as I still have a sore throat and a cough. I must have been more addicted than I thought. I’ve quit numerous times before and never felt like this. I’m hoping I won’t have to go through this again if I can keep the willpower to not smoke. Ever again.

Myself and Amy took Meghan swimming yesterday. I bought her a new Dora the Explorer swimming costume on Tuesday morning since the last time she went swimming was when she was about six months old! She didn’t really like it that much and spent most of the time with her legs and arms wrapped around me so tightly that I could barely move. She pretty much got used to it after a while and started playing with all the toys inside the pool while sat on the top steps. We’re going to go every week with Alex coming on the days he’s not in work and Mum coming when she’s feeling okay. I want her to get used to the water and plus, I miss swimming so much. I used to be a quite strong swimmer but I did six lengths yesterday and I was out of breath and had to swap because I panicked and swallowed a lot of water. My technique is terrible too. Its quite embarrassing since the twelve year old me could swim length after length mainly underwater. I’m hoping I can get myself back up to that in the next few months.

I had a not very nice dream last night about Emelye. She was basically being a right little bitch (I think she was older in the dream), answering back, telling everyone what to do and at one point, when Alex and I were trying to stop her from running away, she said “Your not my mum.” I dread the day that she says that. I’m hoping it never gets to that but to be honest, I’ll be extremely upset if she does.

I’m really tired this morning. I was asleep before 11PM and only woke up at 8AM so I don’t know why I feel like this. I’m hoping I perk up a bit soon because its not really fair on Meghan when I’m a walking zombie. I don’t think my bed is doing me much good. Its not very comfortable and I think thats why I’m feeling so tired. I woke up when Alex left for work and couldn’t get back to sleep for ages. I should buy a new mattress, that would help. Alex wants a memory foam mattress. They do look good.

I’m sorry for my lack of posting. I’m just lazy to be honest. I’ve not really been that busy so I have no excuse. I’ve started the day with every intention of blogging but not actually doing it. And now I’m here I have no idea what to write so I’m doing one of those cool bulleted posts. Enjoy!

• I went to bed at 7PM last night after I put Meghan to bed because I felt so sick. I didn’t get up again until 7.45Am this morning when Meghan woke up. I feel loads better after that long sleep though and it helped me stop feeling sick which was the plan.
• I had a dream about Carlos from Desperate Housewives last night. It was very sexy, although no actual sex took place. He’s never been the guy I liked from the show so I don’t really know where it came from. I really can’t wait for the new series to start again next Wednesday now .
• Alex has two gigs tonight. He might actually be on stage now to be honest. I’m going to the later one, leaving at about 7.30PM. I’m taking photos and for another band that are playing too. Lets hope I can pull some photos out of nothing for them because if I can then it might mean more work.
• We had Emelye from Thursday evening until yesterday evening. Its nice having her but I’m looking forward to the break!
• Oh, and Happy Easter!

Sorry for my terrible post last night. Alex came home from practice pretty soon after I started to write and then after talking to him for about ten minutes I started to feel really ill again so I just wanted to get back in bed. I didn’t get to sleep until about 12.30AM and I woke up at least three times. I was then up with Alex at 5AM and got back to sleep just as Meghan woke up at 6.30AM. I got a decent sleep until 9.30 though so at least I slept at some point. I think it was because the food was lying heavy on my stomach that I couldn’t sleep. I had some strange Harry Potter porn dream too. Something like Harry was a werewolf and Hermione was a vampire (Underworld much?) and then two sets of professors were having sex but they had to hide it because it was forbidden. I sort of woke up and said “…. Okay then.” I mean what else are you supposed to think? I feel much better this morning – which is good considering my dream – so lets hope I get a better sleep tonight. I’m watching what I’m eating today too. I’m trying not to eat too much.

Alex bought a new phone yesterday as his phone has just completely died. He’s been having problems with the navigation buttons for a couple of weeks and then last week it froze and then just stopped working altogether. He got this Sony Ericsson phone. Its really nice. I haven’t had a go of it yet but its a lot nicer than his last one. Because he got a new phone it got me thinking about what phone I would like next. I’ve decided to go for the new Samsung G600. The last two phones I have had have been Samsung phones I have had no problems with them. Its only available on contract at the moment so I’m going to wait until the middle of next year before I think about getting it. They are being sold on ebay for around £170 though. I don’t have that kind of money to spend on a mobile phone! I’d rather buy a Wii.

I finally managed to finish my book, Vanishing Acts. It was good but no as good as some of the other Jodi Picoult books I’ve read. I started The Bitch Goddess Notebook straight away. It looks interesting, a bit weird really. My next one on my list is The Green Mile. I’ve seen the film and its one of my favourites.

I had another dream about being pregnant the night after but it wasn’t as intense. I didn’t cry hysterically in this one. I wish my paranoia about being pregnant would go away. There’s no way I can be unless the pill decided not to work. I’ll get over it.

We’ve been to Alex’s grandma’s for lunch and I actually had a nice time. I usually can’t be in a room with his grandma for more than ten minutes without wanting to go mad – she says things without thinking a lot of the time, negative things – but today I had a decent conversation with her. It was nice. It makes me not dread going next time. I’m going to see my grandad in half an hour. He’s still in hospital because the test results haven’t come back yet. He’s fine but bored stiff which isn’t surprising. It’ll be good to see him. I took him four books last Sunday and he’s read them all so I need to take some more.

I walked into Meghan’s room the other day and found her like this. Its a good job we lowered the cot a couple of days before. She can stand but only by pulling herself up. She can’t get from lying to sitting yet but I don’t think that will take her very long. Yesterday she started waving. She just suddenly started doing it. When my mum came to pick me us to go to Pets at Home she waved at her. Its so cute. I think its just clicked what waving means.

I’ve just (well not just, it was 5.45AM) woken up from an awful dream. It wasn’t exactly that awful but in the dream my emotions were so intense that it was awful. It started when I was on some sort of TV show about women who either had children or were pregnant and someone commented on how I was pregnant. I was like “No I’m not.” Quite a few people commented on it and I started getting paranoid. Aimee was in my dream and after a while I started getting really upset because I didn’t want to be pregnant. At all. It was like the worst thing that could happen. I decided to go and get a pregnancy test from the chemist nearby and when I did it with Aimee it came up that was pregnant. The two pink lines on the test were so bright that I couldn’t not be pregnant. I just burst into tears and I was so upset that I was going to have another baby. I kept saying that Meghan’s not even going to be 18 months old when this ones born. I phoned Alex up and he just wasn’t even listening to me, he wasn’t bothered even though I was hysterical. I know he wouldn’t act like this so I don’t know why he did in my dream.

I think this dream just confirms my fears that I have. Even though I am on the pill and have been since Meghan was three months old, every single month I fear that I am not going to get my period and that I will be pregnant. I don’t plan on having any more children. Meghan is the best child ever and I just don’t feel like I need to have anymore. I don’t want anymore. This dream has got me thinking though that maybe it wouldn’t be terrible if I ended up having another baby. Its actually made me consider thinking about having another one but I’m gonna let this dream pass properly first before I go making huge decisions like that. I’m going to make an appointment with my doctor though to see about different forms of contraception. I’m not the best person for remembering to take my pill every day (I’ve had three weeks since I’ve been taking it where I’ve forgotten, including this week) and I think it would be better if I got something that I’ll be less paranoid on. Like I said, it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world if I became pregnant, I just definatly won’t want to be pregnant right now.